When enough is enough...

Let's just get into it. How many times does it take a person to get hurt to realize they're being stupid? For me, this is number three. Three times of the same thing. Three times of the same bullshit. Three times as stupid as the first time it happened. What's even worse, is that I love him. I've never been in love before, so this is a scary feeling. But at the same time it can be a beautiful feeling. The fucked up thing about love is that sometimes a person can't help if they fall in love with someone. For example, my situation. Love can turn you into a psycho in .3 seconds. But when someone is hurt over something like love... How can that person trust that word, or feel that word again? What if we're destined to truly, ever love one person? Then we're basically screwed right? Because what if that one person you fall in love with hasn't said they loved someone to somebody else before? And you're stuck in a situation where you think you can show that person what love is or at least make them feel the way they make you feel about them. You try everything, and do everything for that person because well let's face it, you love 'em. Am' I the only one who's going through it right now?!... You know what's twisted about my situation? It's that, no matter how many times he fucks me over, or hurts me by lying straight to my face... I'm always going to love him. And it just hurts to even say that because my pride is just telling me to suck it up and move on. But at the same time my pride wants lovin too. The only thing I have left is my heart. And my heart is telling me to stand my ground. What ground, heart? I'm in love. Doesn't that shit make you float like a cloud or something?? He seriously doesn't deserve love from anyone. A wife. A freaking child for that matter. But this isn't about badgering him. Because there are many wonderful and amazing things I could say about him. I'm lost and struggling to hold on to my roots. I'm loosing myself, not to him, but to this situation. I don't want to love another person. I don't want to feel this way about anyone else. Maybe it's karma?? What the fuck did I do in my past?! I guess that's it. My mind is too fucked up to figure this shit out. Until next time then...

What number is this?

I'm baaaack. Haven't wrote in here for a while. I think I forgot my password & just gave up. Haha but I remembered it. So it's my second year of college. Halleduya! It's been chill so far. I'm taking 17 units. Art history, Elementary stats, English, Psychology, & Chemistry. They're all pretty interesting classes. So far I'm doing pretty good. I'm still kind of hesitant about how I'm going to do w/chemistry though. Cause I'm somewhat bad at science and what not. I have to keep my grades up. I have to stay one step ahead. I have to go all out this semester. & I will. Later on this week I'm going to look into volunteer work at kaiser, and hopefully find a job there. Just to get my foot in the door, sort of speak. I have about 3 semesters left until I can actually start applying to state schools. Please oh please oh please San Diego pick me! haha Life as of right now, is chill. I like where life is right now. Ate's supposed to pop soon. Hopefully later this week! I can't wait to see Baby B. It's so weird to think of another baby coming into this world from my Ate. It's not the fact that she's been trying for the longest, but I think it's the fact that I'm older now I get the concept. I don't know if that made any sense. But Lenneah & Jared were just there when I was still young. I was a kid, so I didn't really get it. Now it's like we get to see another baby grow & speak & do silly things & fully understand how precious a baby really is. & my Mama's party is coming up. The big 7-0! wahoo! Family all together in one place at one time. I can't wait. & Bj's going to Stanford on the 14th! I'm going to miss him so much. It's going to be weird now. Everytime I'll go to my Tito Jay's house it'll only be Andie. Not that that's a bad thing! Haha it's just ya know, was always there too. It's okay, it'll give us a reason to drive out there. I'm proud of that boy. Crazy dedication. But I'll write more later. I'm going out. Peace easy pea heads.

Yipes.

It's been a while since i blogged. Well, here goes. It's 2010 so happy new year. Haha New year, new semester, new opportunities, new adventures, new people, new everything. School's been pretty chill. I'm hella yackity yack in my classes. Which by the way is the total opposite of how I usually am. But it's nice. My business stat teacher is a damn crack up. But at the same time I want him to shut up and teach us what exactly we're supposed to learn. Because I get hella lost easily in that class. He'll go from a chart from in the book to talking about YUM stock and taco bell. Home boy, it's bad enough I gotta run up a hill just to get to your class. I don't want to talk about food the whole time! Haha My dad is kinda sorta trusting me more with my car. I can tell when I get home at certain times and he's just like, "oh you're back?" Usually he'd want me back by 10, so me being hella clever I took the liberty to extend curfew at least 5 minutes every time I'm out. So he gets used to the whole idea of it's okay for me to stay out late. I don't know. I'm crazy. Ha. Oh, I spent most of my winter break in Burbank at my Ate's place. It was nice being able to spend time in a different... niche. If that's the right word to use. But when I was down there, I kept seeing San Diego. It kept getting me excited. I honestly can't wait just to move out there and start off on my own ya know? I know I'm still hella young, but I wanna learn. And I'm sure my dad and other family members still think I'm not really capable of being able to live by myself. But we'll see about that. Hah I'm not gonna lie, of course I'm scared but damn when it comes down to it, I'll handle my business. I've been having this crazy pain near my spine. It freakin hurts. I don't know if it's a pinch nerve or what. But my dad said he has the same thing in the same spot. So I'll call kaiser this week to schedule an appointment for an iron deficiency test and a general check up. I gotta check if I'm really anemic. I've been putting off this check up thing with the doctor since I got back from LA. Which is really bad and my fault. I'm just scared. Scared of finding out something worse than I've expected, that sort of thing. Sall good. But it's almost 4 and I gotta get some sleep. Peace easssyyyyy. I'll write more later, hopefully.

"Never underestimate."

Honestly, why do you need to pull somethin stupid like this? You act
like you're the only one goin through it. I mean has it not occured to
you that pops has been through enough and you want to do this? I thought
you were fuckin smarter than that. You were raised better than that. I
practically raised you. It was you and I from day one. We saw shit we
weren't supposed to see, we saw our parents fight over us, we went
through it all. I know growin up we fought like crazy, but what the hell
we're siblings. And I know I don't say it and never show it, but I do
fuckin love you. But like forreal, after everything ma's bitchfriend did
to us you're just going to let that go and live there? You used to be so
against that nigga. Now you're buddy buddy? You're going to cause so
much drama over the next year. 2010 is supposed to be a new start for
everyone. Pops fought and gave up everything for us. If he hadn't done
that we wouldn't be in a safe enviorment. Don't get me wrong I love ma
with all my heart, but her way of life isn't safe for you or her. She's
fuckin playin with fire and risking her relationships with her kids just
stayin with that low life. You're her baby boy though little nigga, slap
some sense into her. Out of all of us she'll listen to you. Yeah makin
this decision will allow you to hang with friends and go to a school you
actually want to go to, but it isn't going to provide stability in your
life. But ask yourself this, is it really worth it? Your friends will
always be there no matter what. Don't make this about friends, or not
bein able to go out. You can't run away from every little problem. You
have to deal with it. I went through the same thing and still am goin
through it. I can't stand livin here because of chewy either, but I deal
with it. You can deal with it too. All I'm sayin is you're makin the
biggest mistake of your life, and trust me you'll catch me somewhere
down the road over winter break bringing your ass back home. Count on
that. I'm not lettin you do this shit, you got me so fucked up.
--Ashley

Day 12: "Franken-baaaaaaaaains"

Well since Natalie told me about how to blog on your phone, I might as
well do one. I'm up anyways. Where to start off? Well, this morning I
woke up at 10:15 and got ready for school. Then I had "complications"
trying to eat and get ready before school. But I finally ate and what
not so I left. When I got to school I met up with hairy Jerry and Ronel
and some other guy who went to Rod. Just talked about how schools been
and what we've been up to lately. Apparently, I look like a mean girl
because of the way my eyebrows are. Hah WOW. But after that I went to
class. It was nice seeing Jerry though. I miss that guy. That slut. Hah
he really is. English class was exceedingly boring today. We watched
another movie about the Rwanda genocide. I hate watching those kind of
things. Even though it's really interesting, it's kind of depressing.
Everyone around the world sat there when they could of helped prevent
the mass murder of more than 800,000 Rwandan Tutsis. But yeah that's
another topic in itself. After english I went home to get ready for my
PE class. I didn't feel like going today but I forced myself because I
need to get myself into shape. Then after PE I went to target to see if
they had puff paint? Some type of paint Andie was telling me about so I
can paint stripes on my halloween shirt. Target didn't have it though so
I'm going to check walmart sometime tomorrow. I went home after that
fail, and studied/reviewed for my math test tomorrow. I'm not really
ready for it. I know I can pass it, I just have to try and not psych
myself out. Okay well lately I've been thinking about dying. Well I
think about dying ehhh around the time when I shower, drive somewhere or
lay in bed. But the past few days I've been thinking about it more than
I should. And it's not because of my period trust me. Questions like:
"what would happen if I died right now?", or "what would change?" are
just a couple of them. I'm not afraid of if there is going to be change
if I died, but I'm afraid of not being remembered. I don't know, that's
just me. Man I'm so tired of the same things. That was random. Ha yipes.
Other things shall not be said on here for privacy and personal reasons.
Maybe if I'm irritated enough I'll flash on a blog. Hah can you see that
happen? Damn. Well I'm going to go, I have nothing else to share right
now. Goodnight, peace ya beast.
--Ashley

Puffy puff puffer puffs.
--Ashley

Day 11: I'm an "adult" now

So it was my birthday a couple days ago. I turned 18. Holler. It was a chill day. Natalie came out and just hung out for the day. The plan was to not go to my first class and then go to my second one. But, that didn't really work out. Ha. I don't feel any different though. Guess it's normal. Wow I had so much stuff to blog about the other night, now I can't remember or think of a thing to say. I guess I can talk about the warriors game I went to with my sister and Maurice. The tickets were a dollar. It was a special promotion or something. But the warriors played the New Orleans hornets. They're from Louisiana. Not Georgia. Hahah wow. The first quarter they were doing pretty bad, but ended up winning the game! It was 126 to 96? 92? But they won by a triple digit. That's all that counts. Oh, and that babydaddy played. Haha He has to work on his point guard skills though. He got the ball stripped twice. I mean c'mon, you can't be doing that in the NBA. It's preseason so he has a lot of time to work on his skills. Right after the game we went to drop of Maurice's friend Bj then went home. Well before that we went to look for food. Everything was closed and wingstop was the only place that was open until 12. We got there 15 minutes before the place closed so it was all gravy. Maurice told us that the cop in the car next to us was talking to some girl and he was spittin lines and what not. He said, "you be thinkin bout sex girl I be thinkin bout checks girl." And for some reason Maurice thought it was the funniest shit. Fagget. Hahaha just kidding. They're probably read this then the next time I see them I'll get tackled down the stairs or something. OH THE JOY! But it's 3 in the morning and i can't sleep. I'm thirsty. School has been pretty good. Nothing really to complain about, but to remember that I need to study for my math test on wednesday. I forgot to bring my book but I'll study when i go back to my dads. The last test I got a B- so I'm hoping for an A-. Cause the material we're going over is easy, it's just a lot of work and a lot of memorizing how to do a certain problem. I wonder what Papa would say if he was still alive. I wonder if he'd still be waking up at 6 just to run on the treadmill blasting his spanish music. Haha good times. I miss him. But, next topic. Haha sorry Papa. Oh yeah, I got my flushot. I hate shots. I know it's something I need so I'll get it, but when I actually get to the hospital and wait to get the shot, anticipation builds and I get all nervous. Freakin ridiculous. The lady who did me (that's what she said) was talking to me like I was some kid. It's like alright, just because everyone else in the line, except for Natalie, are adults doesn't mean you have to talk to me like I'm a kid. C'mon. Well she was an old asian lady so yeah. But still. I'm tired of being seen or looked at as the little kid. I honestly hate it. It's whatever though. I just want to move out already. I'm not saying that by me moving out should show people I'm an adult now, but just so I can get away and just come back as a different person. I don't know if that made any sense what so ever. I can't believe the first semester of college is almost over. What the heck? It just started not too long ago. It's a good feeling to know that my first semester in college I did better than what I expected myself to do. I knew I was going to do good, but not THIS good. Ha. But I need to work on my math and make up a couple classes for my kickboxing class. Two mile run for each make up. I can't wait for it. Ugh. But she said it's not timed, she just wants us to get it done. Shoot. I haven't ran a mile and got a good time on it since freshman year with Natalie. And that was only because of Natalie. Haha holy. Fastest mile I ever ran in my life. Halloween is coming up in less than a week. Is that right? That should be right. But I'm not going to be piglet anymore. I'm just going to throw something together. And hope for the best. Ha. That'll suck in the end. Oh well. So, lately right, I've been feeling so weird about everything and everyone. I don't know how to explain it, and I don't really want to say it on here. But yeah, that's just me. I'm just waiting. Waiting for what? Ahh, that's for me to know. It's 4 already? Holy crap. Well this is my nonsense entry. I'll write something a little more meaningful next time. Peace easy player.